THE BEST WAYS TO DEAL WITH THE DEATH OF A PARENT(8 PRACTICAL TIPS)

In today’s post, I share with you the best ways to deal with the death of a parent. But first, Let me tell you a little story.

On the 11^th of October 2019, I received a voice note from my mum saying that my dad was on oxygen supply. I was confused! The night before I had spoken to my dad and he sounded fine. This is me, miles away from home, in a class attending a boring lecture, and I was already having a bad day. So I excused myself, went to the ladies, and decided to pray. Right there in the bathroom, I cried my heart out to God. After saying an Amen, I was so certain that nothing would happen to my dad. I had this strong faith that like every other minor sickness, my dad would get better.

I headed back to class and I continued the lecture. However, I noticed something strange. Some people that rarely text, were texting me, asking me how I was doing. I knew something was off but I decided to go with the flow. A few minutes later an ex-classmate of mine texted me saying “accept my condolence the lord is your strength” I replied “Thanks” as I was still going with the flow.

Lectures finally were over and it was time to go home. On my way to the bus stop, I saw another text from another ex-classmate saying the same thing. At this point, I knew something was definitely wrong somewhere. Told a friend and she said, “just call your mum to confirm if all is well”.

So I took her advice, went back to the class and I placed a call. My mum picked sounding very cold and I asked her what’s going on. She replied in English (which is so unusual. My mum and I communicate in Kriol/Aku most of the times and not in English. So that’s a red flag right there) I asked again and she said “daddy couldn’t make it, he left us” at this point I laughed and asked “left us to where?” and there was that awkward silence. That silence that meant a thousand words, that silence we all dreaded, it was an awkward silence that was so familiar yet unexpected.

Related post-tribute to my dad.

THE DEATH OF A PARENT

Death is inevitable. This is no new news. However, the death of a loved one always comes as a surprise.No matter how prepared you think you are, the death of a parent always comes as a shock.

As kids, we sometimes think of our parents as superhuman. They are superhuman (in their own little ways) but, that doesn’t change the fact that they are answerable to death. Personally, I never for once thought that I would lose my dad. I always thought that one day he would walk me down the aisle, do the father dance with me and celebrate all my small wins. I am a daddy’s girl to the core and am not ashamed of it.

My dad is my first love, my superhero, my friend, and my inspiration. Losing him is painful, a pain that’s still there. I was able to find ways to cope with the pain and I want to share the tips that helped me deal with the death of my parent. If you’ve lost a father or mother then this post is for you.

HOW TO DEAL WITH THE DEATH OF A PARENT.

Before I dive in, I want to make you understand that for the first few days you might be in denial, you might feel angry (some people become angry towards God), you might have questions running through your mind, you might feel numb, etc. All these are normal. It’s all part of the grieving process; however, as believers, we have hope and are confident that someday we will see them again

¹³Brothers and sisters, we want you to know about people who have died^[a] so that you won’t mourn like others who don’t have any hope. ¹⁴Since we believe that Jesus died and rose, so we also believe that God will bring with him those who have died in Jesus. 1Thessalonians 4:13&14

1. Give Yourself Time To Grief:

Before you can deal with the death of a parent you must recognize that grieving their death is ok. It’s normal to cry (or laugh in my own case) but, do not feel guilty for grieving. It’s also important to know the stages of grieving and your own personal healthy coping mechanism. Please note that while grieving, it’s ok to ask for prayers (in moments like these, you can’t really pray, you become so weak) and seek professional help. See a therapist or join a support group if possible.

2. Surround Yourself With People:

In our moments of weakness and vulnerability, the devil will bring all kinds of thoughts to our minds. It’s very important you surround yourself with people. You might feel that these people don’t understand your pain which might be true but, allow them to support you in their own little ways. Some people may not know what to say so don’t hold their silence against them. If you are far from home, e.g. you are studying abroad, tell friends about your loss, and if they offer to help let them. Do not isolate yourself. Isolating yourself will not help you deal with the death of your parent rather it will drive you to despair.

3. Music:

Good music, they say, is food to the soul. Yes, I can testify to this. On that day that I got the news, I kept playing two songs.” Reckless Love” by Cory Asbury and “You are Bigger than what people say” by Evans Ogboi. Somehow those songs ministered to my spirit and it calmed me down.

4. Stay Healthy:

Whatever you do, however you feel, do your best to stay healthy Eat well even if you don’t feel like it, sleep well and drink water. You need to stay healthy.

5. Do Not Worry:

If your parent was the breadwinner of the family, you will want to start worrying about bills and other responsibilities that demand both money and energy. When these questions pop up, remind yourself of what God said in the following scripture

¹¹I say this because I know what I have planned for you,” says the Lord. “I have good plans for you. I don’t plan to hurt you. I plan to give you hope and a good future. Jeremiah 29:11

³¹Don’t worry and say, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear?’ Matthew 6:31

⁶Do not worry about anything. But pray and ask God for everything you need. And when you pray, always give thanks. Philippians 4:6

6. Get Back To Your Normal Routines:

At first, it will be difficult but be determined to do it. Attend lectures if you are a student, go to work if you have a job, or just do what you would normally do if your dad/mum were still alive. Your parent would want you to live life and to continue the legacy he/she has left you. Slowly but surely you will get there.

7. Talk To Your Siblings:

If you are not the only child, talk to your siblings. They share the same pain with you and although you might not grief the same way, it is important you communicate and support each other. You need each other to deal with the death of your parent and in order to cope you must be there for one another

8. Walk Down Memory Lane:

The memories don’t just fade away and whenever a thought of your dad/mum crosses your mind, think of the fun times you had together. I have this particular image in my mind whenever I think of my dad.

It’s an image of the three-year-old me sitting on my dad’s lap. It was raining and we were singing “rain, rain, go away. Come another day, little children want to play, rain go away”. Think of all the good times you had with your dad/mum, go over old messages, listen to some of the voice notes, watch videos of him/her, look at his/her pictures, and just remember the good old days. There will be tears in-between but, you will also feel the moments of happiness. That bittersweet moment is something I can’t explain.

Conclusion

It’s been a year since I lost my dad and it still hurts. I think of him every now and then. Whenever something very remarkable happens, I think of my dad. I think of how proud he would have been of my blog and how he would have told all his friends about his little girl.

The truth of the matter is that the pain won’t just fade away. As days turn to weeks, weeks turn to months, and the months become years, their absence will always be felt. However, I know of a man who can fill that gap. His name is Jesus. He has filled the gap my dad left and he has been doing great If you are reading this and haven’t accepted him as Lord and personal savior please don’t hesitate.

And if you are a believer, I pray the lord gives you the strength to press on. Remember, His grace is enough for you and His strength is made perfect in your weakness.

Shalom!

Have you lost a parent? How where you able to deal with the reality of their absence? Please comment down below and do share this post with others.